Australia 2006/07 Tour Review - by Tom Smith

Give me our snow, drizzle and fog any day!

As for the Neanderthal inhabitants that grace this island in Asia, it’s difficult to know where to start! They are annoying, stupid, thick, rude racists. All the blokes wear beaters and the usual response to anything is to shout something inaudible, eyes bulging, veins popping with the occasional beating of the chest! The vast majority know little or nothing about the game, very few ‘watch’ cricket unless it’s in their own city which can make it frustrating when they try to converse with you and know nothing about the outside world!

Cricket grounds (or stadiums as they call them over here)

The ‘Gabba

Very good facilities toilets and ‘beer’/weak p1ss queues almost none existent otherwise a atmosphere less sh1tehole, devoid of any character due to its uniform built stands in a bowl shape. The authorities did a great job of splitting up the army except on the 5th day when the ozscum didn’t show to see the first win of the ‘most eagerly anticipated series ever!’ They charged us to get in then opened the gates to allow the trickle of locals into their seats. Apparently they thought an afl match was taking place and the locals were the most inbred redneck fools I have ever met!

Verdict – AVOID

Adelaide Oval

A fantastic, beautiful picturesque ground with two grass banks, and some attractive stands. A great choice of food with jacket potatoes and various fillings a particularly favourite of GA and Freddie. Strawberries and cream were also a big hit. Tractor enjoyed the wine but that’s not for here….. Great atmosphere created by army all together, and a couple of Hoggard wickets for myself and Fred. 2/3’s full of English!

Verdict - Would def go again

WACA

Another good ground, attractive with mix of banks and stands. The ‘fanatics’ stand was full of English, as was the members.

Verdict - Would def go again

MCG

A larger version of the ‘Gabba (see above) basically a large concrete toilet bowl but the Army did create a splendid atmosphere.

Verdict – AVOID

SCG

No pass outs!! wtf????? And LOW strength beer?!?!?!?! Nice view of the ladies and members pavilion but why did they get rid of the bank on the Yabba hill???

Verdict – ok but certainly not as good as Perth/Adelaide!

City Reviews

Brisbane

Nice enough, but as we were to discover with other cities little going on or stuff to see. A great pub where we spent a great night singing and destroying bottle of Gordon’s till the wee hours!

Verdict – OK, but Baghdad’s quite nice this time of year!

Adelaide

Absolutely bugger all to do! Despite that very nice, pleasant and almost peaceful. Spent some very hospitable and enjoyable days in Moona (near the Mclaren vale) with family friends from England.

Verdict – nowt to do but enjoyable with some character, would def go again

Perth

The sunniest and most isolated city in the world. Me and tractor did the 3 day drive from Adelaide to Perth and 3 days back across the Nullarbor desert. A great experience to do ONCE! Will defiantly fly next time! Some very good beaches and pubs to be found here and spent a drunken night at the pony chariot racing night – a truly surreal experience. Tractor took to gambling like an English bowler in an ODI tri-series finale!

Verdict – definitely enjoyable

Melbourne

Was the coldest xmas day ever since records began, and it rained and hailed! Defiantly spoilt the time in the city so Midnight’s comments are ultimately ‘fair dinkum’.

Verdict – During the ashes, crap. Since our return good but lacking a nice beach like Perth or Manly!

Sydney

Once you’ve posed for the obligatory photo by the bridge and opera house, little to do. The trip to Manly beach is good fun in itself and we spent some fun days on the beach after England collapsed yet again!

Verdict – touristy, a bit scruffy and expensive!

Ashes Test Cricket Review

C**p, c**p c**p

ODI Tri series

Started as we left off! Finished been tipped to win the world cup!!!! Strange but true!!

Overall I’ve certainly enjoyed my time out here, watching cricket is a great passion of mine, even if the standard we saw was dismal and our hosts are to*sers!! Made some great friends on some great nights out and was great to see all the old faces! Particular mention to Midnight who along with Freddie was a great travelling companion and friend, herbie, jack and Mr C for the fun and games with the beach cricket!!! SP and his mob for annoying the Swedish girls in the all girls dorm! Howie and Jim for the laughs along the way, especially karaoke! Cornish boys for the nights in Perth. Greg, Jimmy and bill the trumpet for like us doing all 5!!!!

Would I go back to the colony??? If I did it would def be Perth and Adelaide, Brisbane never again! Melbourne and Sydney probably not! For those of you thinking of doing the next one, the reception you get is nothing like I received in the subcontinent. We were rarely made to feel welcome and were often bored with the city within a few days with nothing to except drink!! Sounds good, but after 2 months ‘on it’ your found screaming for some culture and a trip to shimla to see herbie get out for a duck.

Tom