New Zealand 2008 Tour Review - by Midnight

Tina Turner sums it up nicely. Simply the best. This seven week dreamscape was by far the most enjoyable trip I've been on , and apart from the arduous flight , its hard to fault much at all - and we even won the series!

Unless you fly clockwise via the USA you do travel over Australia to get there - make sure you use the airplane toilet as many times as possible during this bit! - but the difference between NZ and Australia cannot be overstated. The locals in NZ are friendly to a fault & there by right - not by ancestral transportation. They generally like and get on with the English fans , unlike their convict counterparts - who, incidentally , they detest with an equal fervour to ourselves.

New Zealand itself is a spectacular place and I could easily run out of superlatives trying to describe the scenery so instead would refer any reader to the Addis Army photo gallery. The weather was much like a hot English summer of the past most of the time.

Tickets for the cricket are freely available due to very limited local take up , and very cheap too. At any Ticketmaster office you can basically choose your seat for each and every game and buy all the tickets in one visit.

If you are a rugby fan ( Im not ) then you will probably never wish to return home, with 3-4 live rugby games on Sky TV almost every night! Proper UK football is also available , live , with the usual dopey Asian commentators (including Steve Macmahon!) and usually at stupid-o-clock in the morning.

Kiwi beer isn't strong but is drinkable , more so than the convict rations , and brand beers like Guinness are freely available. Beware the Easter holidays , when most of the bars close for virtually the whole weekend unless they have a special licence.

The food is basically like home, with an incredible array of pies on offer ( steak & cheese is the staple ) and the usual ethnic cuisine . The main difference is that Kiwi's don't eat after 8.30 pm , so if you are planning to eat out it needs to be done before this watershed.

Touring the country by hire-car or camper van is a must do for some part of your trip and obtaining a suitable vehicle is easy and relatively cheap. Petrol is about half the extortionate UK price.

Adrenalin thrills are freely available throughout NZ but most notably in Queenstown & Taupo ( if you weigh less than 100kg ) and described more fully in the tour diaries. Bungy jumping , jet boating , zorbing, quad biking and luge are all recommended by my travelling companion Simon.

A diet is recommended in turn for Simon if he also wishes to try Taupo sky-diving!

Accommodation is generally of a good standard -in any event its best to plan your journey well in advance and book ahead as the towns and cities are small and accommodation books out quickly during the local school holidays or special local events, as we found in Napier.

If you are really unlucky , you may have the misfortune to be bitten by a white-tail spider , the symptoms of which include the affected organ swelling to the size of a pumpkin ( before you ask it was my left foot ) and subsequent risk of amputation/ fatality, according to some Australian tourists I met. You may not be surprised to learn that this little pest , like Ricky Ponting , originates from Australia…..but all the same perhaps best to watch where you put your feet.

Cricket Grounds

Auckland - Eden Park

Rugby ground , drop in wicket. Atmosphere diluted by sparse crowd / large stadium but enjoyable. Beer served in plastic bottles , not ideal but did the trick.

Food inside the ground = battered hot dogs on sticks with red sauce. GREEN.

Christchurch - AMI Stadium

See tour diary " I love the sound of breaking glass" for gory details. Rugby ground which was being partially demolished when we visited, unfortunately.

Fruity and fuelled local presence and the only occasion in seven weeks when I felt like thumping one of the locals.

More care required with ticketing arrangements next visit.

Bar arrangements - courtesy of Heath Robinson - ludicrous.

Food inside the ground = battered hot dogs on sticks with red sauce. AMBER.

Hamilton - Seddon Park

Old fashioned county ground type set up with grass banks for spectators and a temporary stand for the likes of "Gullivers". TV & radio commentary position was three portacabins piled on top of each other.

This apparently did not find favour with Beefy ,who may be more afraid of heights than Aussies, although the other pundits didn't seem too bothered!

Autographs, photos etc freely available outside portacabin towers.

Pleasant , enjoyable ground , shame about the one day & test results!

Food inside = battered hot dogs on sticks with red sauce.

Don't drink coffee or you will be queuing up for an hour to get it, behind Gullivers travellers.

Apart from the game , and watching Steve Harmison bowl especially , a good experience.

Hoggards swan song venue? GREEN.

Napier - McLean Park

Same as Hamilton but without portacabins and with palm trees. Five-O type shirts compulsory.

Very relaxing and hard to imagine that the ground has ever been full.

Draught beer freely available as I learned to my cost during the memorable 340 all ODI tie.

Food inside the ground = battered hot dogs on sticks with red sauce.

However - close to KFC franchise outlet outside ground within easy staggering range..

Also remembered as the place we won the series.

Top boll**ks. GREEN.

Wellington - Basin Reserve

Classy ground steeped in history , great cricket museum , great setting , great result , great crack, great big hangover. Exceptionally , the ground nearly sold out on the Saturday of the test. !!!

Grass banks + large stand for Gullivers.

Food inside the ground = battered hot dogs on sticks with red sauce.

Always windy , watch out for your sausage blowing off the lolly stick especially if you put too much red sauce on.

Top boll**ks. GREEN.

Places of interest

North Island

Auckland

City of sails. Capital city in all but name , certainly by far the largest - pop. circa 1 million.

Typical large- ish Pacific seaport city with attendant attractions including the Sky Tower . A number of decent boat trips available to local volcanic islands.

Probably the only place in NZ with traffic jams , indeed with traffic!

A large percentage of the population of this city are immigrant workers and the average Aucklander is held in contempt by residents of other areas of NZ , who call them "jafa's" - this stands for "just another fu**ing Aucklander"!

We didn't get the chance to explore all the suburbs , but the Mount Eden area near the cricket ground is pleasant enough to stay- although beware the Belgian lager bar passing domestos off as premium European beer. Its undrinkable if you have any taste buds left.

Buy all your cricket tickets for the tour at the Ticketmaster office near the Sky Tower.

A good place to spend a few days. GREEN.

Bay of Islands - Pahia & Russell - 90mile beach & Cape Reinga

North of Auckland , off the beaten track for the cricket but a must for touring. Excellent scenery and sailing activities in both towns , which face each other across a bay with a quaint car ferry running at regular intervals.

Treaty site between the British and the Maoris which is here is a national monument.

An excellent fish and chip shop in Pahia called Twilight Zone, the owner is from Southport originally and the Twilight Zone is the only place in NZ where mushy peas accompany the chips.

The drive further North up to Cape Reinga takes all day , but well worth clocking the miles on your hire car.

Tip - Don't drive your hire car on 90 mile beach unless you are expert in reversing out of quicksand. GREEN.

Coromandel Peninsula to Paeroa

See tour diary " Midnight in NZ".

The Coromandel Peninsula is beautiful and more than worth a tour.

Then there's Paeroa. Home of the ubiquitous L & P soft drink , New Zealands favourite tipple.

The locals say " All roads lead to Paeroa". And they certainly do , if you are wearing originals , a tasselled leather jacket and a crash helmet. Heaven for Hells Angels.

Simply because of the latter , AMBER. Tip - keep your mod gear in the suitcase here.

Hamilton

Abilene in the South Pacific. Looks and feels like the wild west and most of the saloons and restaurants seem to have picked up on the western theme. Try the Lone Star , where the obscenely large portions necessitate starving oneself for a week before a visit if the meal is to be finished.

Probably possible to feed the whole of Africa for a week on one nights leftover food from this place.

Even Jack Simmons left some chips.

In reality , not much to do in Hamilton if not watching cricket. The main tourist attraction is a river that we never saw. Tip - don't try to find accommodation between Auckland and Hamilton - there isn't any , and its like driving through an industrial zone. AMBER.

Napier

Art deco "city" the size of a very small UK town. Extremely sparse population in the area probably a good place to "disappear".

By the sea , although the beach is cr*p, being formed from volcanic slag rather than sand - not that Ive anything against volcanic slags!

Two parts to Napier , separated by a headland and we only located the chic side towards the end of our stay. Needless to say this is where our pampered cricket team, and Martin T, Simon J, Club and their mates were staying…..!

Accommodation is expensive and difficult to obtain , we ran into Bumble and Athers here who were themselves being forced to slum it in a Quality Inn with the hoi polloi and wearing martyred expressions. We on the other hand were staying in a very expensive 5 star hotel much favoured by Barry Dudleston & white-tail spiders.

There is a Chinese restaurant in Napier which features cauliflower in every meal , even curry , which we thought was rather odd , but each to their own.. Tip - The Indian restaurant is okay though.

Not much to do in Napier except the cricket , but they do have an excellent Servicemans club with a sports bar & special drinking licence when everywhere else is shut.

Which was most of the time when we were there. AMBER. Tip - Book accommodation two years in advance if visiting Napier.

Taupo

Popular alternative to the Maori operated tourist trap that is Rotorua. Many local geothermal attractions and a huge hydro-electrically inspired waterfall called Huka Falls , which is a must see.

All the usual holiday facilities here including what looked like two championship standard golf courses , which have now been blessed in perpetuity by Sir Geoff Boycott having played rounds there.

Situated by a scenic volcanic lake , with moody views of the mountains of Mordor on the horizon - Tongariro National park - which is itself well worth a detour to visit if you have your own car.

Tip - Try a meal at the Crooked Door Inn - Simon recommends the three steak starter. GREEN.

Wellington

Capital of NZ and cultural centre. Plenty to do here and very enjoyable.

Home of the best Chinese restaurant Ive visited outside Manchester , the Beijing in Newtown. Frequented by Peter Jackson , director of Lord of the Rings. Cheap and always packed.

Tip - Order the duck special one day in advance and bring your own wine from the supermarket across the road. You wont be disappointed. Im pleased to award the Beijing the tour Gold medal!

Scene of memorable celebrations after the test match was won captured in living colour by Martin T.

Catch the Inter-Islander ferry here to South Island late afternoon for a wonderful journey.

Its windy here , and not just after a visit to the Beijing Restaurant. GREEN.

Whangarei

Pronounce "Fangarai". Capital of the Northlands and a decent place to stay on route to the Bay of Islands. A good shopping centre complete with a very arresting massage parlour situated next door to the Police station - the twin flashing red lights are very confusing.

Undergoing a major waterside renovation and there is an excellent restaurant on the harbourside called Reva's , which is owned by the late Gene Pitney's sister. " Only, twenty four hours from Taupo , only twenty four hours from your arms." Catchy. AMBER.

South Island

Christchurch

Exactly as described by Michael Palin in Full Circle - "like a dream sponsored by the English Tourist board". Oxford transplanted to the South Pacific (without the Saint! ).

Local activities include punting on the River Avon. See tour diary "I love the sound of breaking glass" for a fuller description.

The Antarctic Centre and Hagley Park are both must-see.

Christchurch's port sister town of Lyttleton can be accessed via a road tunnel through a large headland and is lively too. Tip - The Wunderbar in Lyttleton for a lost afternoon . GREEN.

Dunedin

See tour diary " Touring in South Island". Dunedin is celtic for "Edinburgh"as the city was settled originally by Scots farmers , 150 years ago it used to be the biggest city in NZ - and has since been in decline longer than the Scottish football team. Population now only 110k.

There is a brooding , malevolent, all-pervading Scottish highland influence about the place.

The magnificent railway station is built like the House of Shaws in RL Stevensons's "Kidnapped " and every time a train is late the announcer says - "We're all doomed, Captain Mainwaring , doomed".

Only kidding, our Scots friends!

Dunedin is the rugby & student capital of NZ , and thus lively enough in the evenings.

Superb fish restaurant called "Reef" where we enjoyed a memorable meal even though Derek Pringle was in there at the same time being supercilious. Great place. And the bars stay open late here too…….

Tip - The rail trip to Taieri Gorge is a highlight / must do. GREEN.

Lumsden

No tour report would be complete without a RED , so to balance the books a little here it is.

See tour diary " Touring in South Island" for full gory details.

We only stayed here one night and that was one night too long.

The town planners would be best advised to hire a couple of JCB's to demolish the towns one street , and a vet to put down the towns one horse , and start again. No redeeming features whatsoever.

"Sorry" indeed. Tip - avoid - RED.

Kaikoura

Home of the aquatic circus that is whale-watching. Tip - give the whale watching a miss - its degrading.

The town centre itself is like Hamilton-by- the-sea but was redeemed for me by the Pier Hotel , an excellent English style boozer at the far end of the bay away from the town centre. Run by an Aussie!

Local seafood is good too. A better meal, in fact , than spectacle. Only kidding!!!

AMBER, but if you like letching at whales, touching up dusky dolphins, quad biking and / or drinking Sheep-Shaggers lager , GREEN.

Queenstown

A highlight. Breathtaking scenery and good bars and places to eat ( they all close at 8.30 pm nevertheless…) I could drone on and on about how good this place is- I'd refer you instead to the Addis Army picture gallery.

Most of the adrenalin activities are based here particularly the AJ Hackett bungy jump ( the original ) and the jet-boating courtesy of Shotover Jet , both as featured on Michael Palin's "Full Circle".

Dermot Reeve bought a plot of land the first time he visited , built a house , and now lives here.

I'd like to as well , but there's a credit crunch on……! Nuff said. Tip - Don't miss. GREEN.

Fox Glacier / Franz Josef Glacier / Doubtful Sound / Milford Sound / Mount Cook / Greymouth

The truly wild west coast. Force feed your car with petrol before heading up here because garages are as scarce as Chelsea European cup wins, and as the wild west name implies cowboy petrol prices are the norm.

A combination of the above places is recommended , with a return to Christchurch on the Tranz Alpine express from Greymouth a particular highlight.

In a nutshell , the best scenery Ive ever witnessed in my life.

Tip - A must-do , but watch out for incessant rain , and the sandflies at Milford Sound - they are nasty little fu**ers and bite through insect repellent. GREEN.

Summary

Best summed up as follows - I haven't met anyone from that tour who didn't thoroughly enjoy their time in NZ - apart from Simon T , who had to put up with the writer , and Georges transistor radio , for most of his stay! Simon's quote on reading this draft is a classic and must be reprinted viz:

" It's the best place Ive ever been , and the most fun Ive had , touring with a tranny for 6 weeks……..!!"

Sure the flight is a ball-ache, and expensive , but once you are over that the acclimatisation is quick and easy and the experience a memorable one. The great music played at the Test matches before the start is worth the price of the flight alone. " New Zealand , it's a part of me that no one else can own"!!

England are next there in 2012 and as the pantomime WG Grace from Channel Four would no doubt say: " BRING IT ON!"

I cant wait to find & kill that bastard white-tail spider.